I Blogged Once

I started this blog last June in the hopes of expanding my horizons and pontificating about washing machine suicides. I didn’t run out of ideas, just motivation. The reasons for that I will keep to myself. I still write those awesome movie reviews on somethingawful.com, but you all knew that because I think we’ve actually hit maximum readership. I swear, I can’t go a day without at least ten thousand people asking me if I’m THE Ian Maddison. You know… the one who doesn’t like The Avengers. I always tell them the same thing: Leave me alone and stop touching my hair, it’s weird.

So after literally zillions and gillions of people have literally begged me to literally update my literal blog, I have finally decided to do just that. This isn’t going to be it. Don’t worry, I haven’t just decided to throw out a couple of hastily constructed paragraphs about my lack of activity. This marks the start of what should be a new wave of blogging from your favourite film critic (that’s me) and blogger (also me).


The YouTube Avant-Garde

You are currently on the internet. The internet is a place where anybody can do anything and people will see. One of the places on the internet is called YouTube. This is a place where people upload videos of whatever they want. The most common things you will find on YouTube are adorable videos of various animals and children, annoying videos of nerds talking over footage of video games and unsanctioned clips from films and television shows. However, there is one YouTube phenomenon which has captured my heart. That is the mesmerising world of washing machine self destruction.

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What Is This Place?

My name is Ian Maddison. I am a handsome film critic who doesn’t have a drinking problem. I often go by the name of “Professor Clumsy.” Perhaps you have heard of me? I write film reviews for somethingawful.com and sometimes write for some other sites too.

Here are some things people have said about me:

“I guess you really did like Skyline.”

“Professor Clumsy: wrong about Iron Man, wrong about Thor.”

“The rats in here ate all the food. Send more food.”

“I wish I had been able to read your review before I dragged my husband to see [Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides] today.”

“I like Professor Clumsy’s reviews because I tend to enjoy superhero movies, but sometimes I think about it later and realize something was missing or wrong, and he tells me why. I tend to turn off my brain for them because I just want to see how they bring the comics to live action, so it’s kinda neat to understand why I should hate it.”

“Today I learned that you English call a garbage truck a bin lorry. So something good came out of One Day.”

“How can anyone say Professor Clumsy isn’t funny? Look, he said “penis” a bunch of times!”

“Prof Clumsy encapsulated for me my every experience with someone recommending an anime cartoon, short some misogyny.”

“Professor Clumsy keeps seeing gay characters where they don’t actually exist and then hailing this as cinematic brilliance.”

“Clumsy’s reviews are usually best when he’s carefully explaining all the flaws in something that most critics are letting skate by.”

“After reading the Battleship review I have no idea if Prof. Clumsy actually liked the film or if the positive review was just a joke. I seriously have no idea if it was parody or not.”

“I fucking hate the man’s guts”

“You’re scaring me, Professor Clumsy :(“

“What I have learned from Professor Clumsy’s review and from seeing Avengers is that I should never ever fucking figure out what film language is because I will never enjoy movies again. Ignorance in this case is truly bliss and I don’t envy you and your bizarre gift.”

“…Prof. Clumsy has jumped off the fucking deep end. I say this because of the Avengers review, which I thought had such radical departures from any movie review I’ve ever seen rational sense to a deep dark Lovecraftian world where down was up and nothing made any fucking sense, and now I see we’ve returned to that place with his latest review of [Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter], in that, interspersed with legitimate criticisms or praises (storytelling, cast chemistry, etc), we have gems of absolute stark raving madness and straw-grasping that make me question his sanity.”

“Prof. Clumsy’s piece about the hivemind mentality of movie criticism is right on the money.”

“Wow do you have no business reviewing movies.”

So you can see, I am a beloved entity in the world of critical analysis. Give me a job.